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ebb and flow
03 June, 2009: [153/365], 19:25.04 [Wednesday]
Filed under: Uncategorized

I still battle with my social ambivalence and misanthropic tendencies. Does everyone repulse me, or do I care deeply for my friends? Actually, do I even really care in the first place?

While I have made a great deal of progress in dealing with my neuroses, I still occasionally go through periods of time during which I am rather unsociable and feeling unfriendly. For no rational reason, I come to some weird conclusion that everyone can go screw themselves and I’m better off without them. This is one of those times, right now.

I start off feeling almost happy, like I actually have friends and can be comfortable and comforted during rough or tedious times, but then that nearly joyous, “positive” neutrality turns into apathy. Then it all just goes downhill from there. My die-hard, steadfast cynicism ultimately gets the best of me, and I start to turn against everybody, believing that they all have some sort of ulterior motive behind keeping my friendship. This is not to say that I am writing everyone off, I know who my true friends are; but on the other hand, I hate to say that too, because I feel awful for being so skeptical toward everyone else over what is likely nothing.

This is a cyclical phenomenon for me, and I can’t really control that feature of my psyche. And it’s not that I’m feeling depressed, I’m just feeling profoundly empty. All I can do is force myself to communicate with others, no matter how much I don’t want to do it.

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