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28 December, 2008: [362/365], 22:39.29 [Sunday]
Filed under: Life

I don’t believe in making New Year’s resolutions; one, I loathe tradition; two, improving oneself should be an ongoing process and not something one does just as a goal for the new year. There are some things I want to do, but they just happen to coincide with this stupid drunkard’s holiday.

First, I want to get back into getting into shape. I was doing so well over the summer, but I crashed. Part of it was environmentally induced asthma, but a lot of it was the resurgence of my depression. I’m still beating it back, but I’m also starting to think that it’s more of a personality trait than anything else. More trait than state, if you will. Nevertheless, I will still do what I can to fight it, and getting in shape should help, to a certain degree.

On that note, I’d like to take up t’ai chi. I need to find a way to relax. The anxiolytic I’m on does relieve the panic attacks, but I can never actually relax. That part is going to have to come from me, myself. Drugs don’t solve everything; otherwise, I’d be doped up on Vicodin 24/7, and believe me, I’d rather be, more often than not these days. But I can’t do that, so I’ll do this instead. Hopefully.

I need a hobby. I’ve been saying it for years, and I’ve also been saying that I don’t have the time. I’m right, on both counts. But it doesn’t hurt to do some research. I’ve developed an interest in urban exploration over the years, but have never really taken the opportunity to really try it. I guess I’ll have to go out once or twice a month to some hole-in-the-ground one-horse shit town and go haunting. I’ll bring my camera and see what develops (get it, develops? you don’t appreciate a good joke, jerk).

Finally, I need to find some friends. It’s funny, I’ve been telling Jen all this time that friends are extremely important in stressful times, and that it’s vital to have someone to confide in when you’re feeling totally isolated. Yet, despite all that advice I dispense to her (not to mention to other acquaintances), I never practice what I preach. I don’t actually have any friends. Well, that’s not true, I’d be insulting a couple of people by saying that. I just don’t have the right sort of people in my life, for the most part. But sometimes when I’m crashing, I’m alone. Sometimes, for [one] example, my low mood might be due to Jen’s apparently mounting health problems. So it’s not like I can really talk to her about it any more than I already do; therefore, I’m alone. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about these problems I have. It’s partially my fault. I can’t relate to anyone, I can’t connect. Worst of all, though, I am unable to open up to people. I can’t even open up to those who have come to trust me and confide in me when they are feeling down.

I don’t know what it is, whether I can’t trust anyone, or I’m afraid of driving people away with my issues (it’s probably both, and the some), but one thing is for sure: I don’t know how to be human. Until I can learn how to feel joy (yeah it’s weird and almost robotic, but I really don’t know what joy is), I can’t interact with people in a normal human manner.

So there you have it. I need to be programmed to behave more like humans: be laid back, have fun, and trust others.

I don’t have a chance, do I?


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