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coming this fall
16 December, 2008: [350/365], 11:50.04 [Tuesday]
Filed under: Microfiction, Stupidity

Coming soon to Prime Time on notCBS:

  • He’s a cop who shoots first, and doesn’t even bother to ask questions later. She’s a woman who won’t shut her goddamn mouth. When the Chief assigned her to follow him on his rounds, he has to watch his back even more, because all she is to him is a bright red bull’s-eye. How the hell do they plan to survive together on the beat? Paul Reiser and Salma Hayek star in Bitches Ain’t Shit, every Wednesday!
  • Germs kill, but not on Dr. Peter Schreiver’s watch. He’s obsessed. Seriously. He’ll freak out if there’s even a speck of dirt in his hermetically sealed compound. He hasn’t actually practiced professional medicine in fifteen years, since he lost his wife to the common cold. Watch as he fails miserably at his attempts to relate to other people. John Goodman and Malcolm-Jamal Warner star in the hottest new medical drama, Biological Warfare, Thursdays!
  • From the twisted mind that brought you Twin Peaks and Mulholland Drive: Jimmy Smits leads a cadre of sexy paranormal investigators, trapped in the warped, desecrated mind of psychotic, drug-addled former comedian Andy Dick; will they make it out with their sanity, let alone their lives? DickHead, directed by David Lynch, will torture you and reduce you into a drooling retard… Sunday nights!
  • You love reality TV, because you have no goddamn choice! This time, we follow the lives, loves, triumphs, and heartbreaks of thirteen culinary school rejects as they compete for a second chance to enroll in The Art Institute of Pittsburgh’s prestigious culinary program! Jim Bakker is Master Chef on Bakker’s Dozen, Monday through Thursday!
  • Stephen Bochco has finally learned his lesson from Cop Rock! He’s got it this time! By day, David Winters is a steaming hot pop sensation in the making, leaving countless heartbroken women in his wake. By night, he’s a cutthroat, ruthless prosecuting attorney, singlehandedly choking the life out of the seedy Chicago underground. But he holds a dark secret, a twist that could put both of his careers—and his life—in jeopardy! The suspense will make you bite your lip until it bleeds! Ben Savage and Christina Applegate rock in Scales of Justice, Fridays!
  • Game shows. They’re cheap to produce, and you idiots lap this up like it’s high-fructose corn syrup, spilled all over the aisles at Wal-Mart. Christ, we’re out of ideas, but you jerks don’t seem to notice… anyway, Regis Philbin apparently still doesn’t have the money to pay for his filthy undisclosed habits, so here he is, with another hosting gig. Ugh. Okay, so five friends compete for one million dollars. Of course, only one will win the money; but the other four will fight tooth and nail amongst themselves for the runner-up prize: their lives, as chosen by the million-dollar champion. Watch them turn on each other and sell each other out in frenzied desperation and repulsive sycophancy! Who will live? Who will be betrayed by the ones they trusted, and die, execution style? When the champion decides, you decide: did anyone really win? Yeah, we have no souls. BFF: Best Friends Forever, Sunday nights, prime time!
  • “Chopper” Jackson is a helicopter pilot working as a bounty hunter in the scorching wasteland of Death Valley. He may be hunting down the criminal scum, but he’s really trying to find his soul. “Chopper” Jackson delivers high-speed helicopter action and a wholesome heartwarming message that’s healthy for the whole family. World’s greatest country music superstar legend, Alan Jackson, is Alan “Chopper” Jackson, in “Chopper” Jackson, Sunday nights after BFF!

    And be sure to catch a sneak preview of “Chopper” Jackson this summer, in the two-hour feature: “Chopper” Jackson: Hunt on the High Prairie, July 21st, only on notCBS! Catch it in Hi-Def!

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