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the doldrums
11 September, 2008: [254/365], 11:13.22 [Thursday]
Filed under: Anxiety

I have a love/hate relationship with Autumn. It’s the most aesthetic time of year, and not just because of the changing leaves. The weather gets a crispness to it, even in the early season; it’s not necessarily cold, but it’s… I don’t know, brisk. The sky looks a bit more serious and mature in its blue hue, and they grays are less petulant, they’re more comforting. I feel an increasing desire to do something creative and adventurous during this time of year, maybe as a last hurrah before the cruel and uncaring winter arrives.

Yet at the same time, fall is the time of year when I feel like disappearing. Even on clear days, when the gloom is nowhere in sight, I feel a kind of emptiness.

I used to think it was the anticipation of things to come in the year: the cold, the unrelenting gloom, and the separation from society at large – everyone just wants to hole up and ignore everything around them. A very lonely time draws closer.

But while that is largely true, I think it’s more that I’ve been stuck in a rut lately. Things at home are going well as usual, nothing to complain about there (except my lack of time there, perhaps), and I love being a student. But it seems like those aspect of my life, while they are the most important, are so minor. I feel like I’m getting no stimulation, intellectual, social, physical (not in that sense – get your head out of the gutter), whatever.

I’m bored. I’m just one step above being comatose. I could sleep through most of my daily activities and it wouldn’t change a thing for me. I guess I need a vacation, or some kind of activity. But whatever the problem is, it’s becoming more visceral, I’m feeling it more and more; and it sucks, because I only recently got out of my last episode.

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