blog-0-tron9000 v2.0

today’s not going so well
16 September, 2008: [259/365], 08:31.36 [Tuesday]
Filed under: Anxiety, Depression

I think I’m starting another depressive episode. I had a mild anxiety attack yesterday evening. I hope this isn’t the result of missing two doses of meds, and I hope that missing those two doses won’t screw me up for an indeterminable period of time. I’m worried.

And that’s not a good sign.


13 September, 2008: [256/365], 11:08.51 [Saturday]
Filed under: Microfiction

Terrence set the pen back on the counter, as he was ordered, and put his hands behind his head. He turned around to face the crackerjack detective responsible for his apprehension. He wondered why, however, he was being apprehended in the first place. “Is it okay if I ask why you’re doing this?” he asked.

“Of course. You are under arrest for solicitation of two prostitutes, and for the possession of a kilo of cocaine,” replied Sgt. Dave Maxwell. “You have the right to remain silent,” he continued, reciting Terrence’s Miranda rights. He wasn’t going to let this scumbag get off on a technicality, this time, unlike those last five punks.

“Um, I wasn’t involved with that at all.”

“Yeah, tell it to the judge, dirtbag.”

“No, really, I had nothing to do with that drug sale, or the hookers. I’m here on business; I just arrived this morning from Washington. And if I recall, Argonne Falls has been declared the most drug-free city in Maryland,” said Terrence, a bit annoyed. “The city was just celebrating this fact last week! Besides, do you have any idea who I am?” Just then, three officers walked into the hotel Laundromat where the scene was occurring.

“Sergeant David Maxwell, I presume?” asked Officer Seth Futtermann.

“It’s about fucking time I got backup,” Maxwell grunted. “This guy’s a wild one; I really got my hands full this time.” Terrence rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, er, okay, ‘Sarge’, we’ve received calls from the management here telling us you are disturbing the peace. We need you to come with us,” Futtermann said. “Sir,” he said, turning to Terrence, “we are very sorry about this. ‘Sarge’ here is really a hobo from Argonne Heights flashing a badge and harassing people around the government district here at the Falls.” The policeman shot a look at the vagrant. “He’s managed to slip through our fingers thus far, but we got him. And we have you to thank, since you have his attention, we were able to nab him.”

“Sure, uh, thanks. Can I go now?” Terrence tapped his foot impatiently.

“You can do as you please. Enjoy your stay here in Argonne Falls, Senator.” Then, Futtermann and the officers accompanying him left the hotel with the homeless psychopath, where he was savagely beaten upon his arrival at headquarters. Terrence checked into his room and ordered two high-class male prostitutes and a kilo of cocaine from Argonne Heights. The rest of the day passed inconsequentially, as lobbyists would push for more stringent bans on science in public schools. Senator Terrence Randolph (R-MD) would return to Capitol Hill to introduce a bill to his colleagues to completely eliminate all biology curricula in Maryland high schools. The bill would be killed in committee, as Senator Randolph is widely considered an ultraconservative screwball by his mostly moderate peers and by his constituency.

peace, dogg [saturday politics roundup]
13 September, 2008: [256/365], 11:06.20 [Saturday]
Filed under: Comedy, Politics, Stupidity


BAHAHAHAHAahahahahhaahah peace ahahahhahahah
no, really, we seriously deserve whatever we get this November.


You sure about that? Here’s a riddle:
Q: What’s the difference between John McCain and the 9/11 hijackers?
A: McCain crashed five planes.

Picture 2



On the other hand:

Yeah, I know, celebrity opinion, but he’s saying what the progressives are thinking. Absurd, indeed.

12 September, 2008: [255/365], 13:09.59 [Friday]
Filed under: Life

Um, not much to say; lab’s going smoothly today. Dunno what else. I’ll post another story from the archives later. I gotta start writing new stuff soon, though.

I think I’m going to get another piercing, though I don’t know where yet. Probably another in the ear, but I’m not entirely sure.

Might be getting a digital SLR soon too. I want to get back into photography, and this should be helpful. Speaking of which, I have to upload a ton of photos to flickr so I can get my Rolling Acres UrbEx page going.

Damn, a lot to do, and barely any time…

the doldrums
11 September, 2008: [254/365], 11:13.22 [Thursday]
Filed under: Anxiety

I have a love/hate relationship with Autumn. It’s the most aesthetic time of year, and not just because of the changing leaves. The weather gets a crispness to it, even in the early season; it’s not necessarily cold, but it’s… I don’t know, brisk. The sky looks a bit more serious and mature in its blue hue, and they grays are less petulant, they’re more comforting. I feel an increasing desire to do something creative and adventurous during this time of year, maybe as a last hurrah before the cruel and uncaring winter arrives.

Yet at the same time, fall is the time of year when I feel like disappearing. Even on clear days, when the gloom is nowhere in sight, I feel a kind of emptiness.

I used to think it was the anticipation of things to come in the year: the cold, the unrelenting gloom, and the separation from society at large – everyone just wants to hole up and ignore everything around them. A very lonely time draws closer.

But while that is largely true, I think it’s more that I’ve been stuck in a rut lately. Things at home are going well as usual, nothing to complain about there (except my lack of time there, perhaps), and I love being a student. But it seems like those aspect of my life, while they are the most important, are so minor. I feel like I’m getting no stimulation, intellectual, social, physical (not in that sense – get your head out of the gutter), whatever.

I’m bored. I’m just one step above being comatose. I could sleep through most of my daily activities and it wouldn’t change a thing for me. I guess I need a vacation, or some kind of activity. But whatever the problem is, it’s becoming more visceral, I’m feeling it more and more; and it sucks, because I only recently got out of my last episode.

five years
05 September, 2008: [248/365], 09:59.27 [Friday]
Filed under: Life

When people ask me how long I’ve been married, I tell them it’ll be five years this September [incidentally, today], and they usually respond with, ‘wow, that’s a long time, how old are you?’

People are amazed to see a couple married for more than a couple of years anymore. But five years, really, is just a drop in the bucket.

We’ve been through hell together, and this five years has been wild, to say the least. Sure, it’s been hard at times, but more often than not, I get the idea that people don’t ‘get’ marriage.

Here’s to another five years, tenfold. I love you, Jen.

a runthrough
04 September, 2008: [247/365], 11:35.10 [Thursday]
Filed under: Anxiety, Depression, Life

Gotta get this out of the way.

As many people do, I have to deal with mental illnesses. My own potential downfall: double depression and generalized anxiety.

‘Double depression’ is actually dysthymia, a ‘mild’ (believe me, it’s not mild in the sense you’d think it would be) chronic depressive mood disorder, superimposed by acute episodes of major depression. GAD is a relatively rare anxiety disorder in which those with it contend with excessive, debilitating worry, far disproportionate to the source of that worry (if it’s even real, and not simply perceived in the first place).

For twenty years now, I’ve been in a hole, unable to properly express myself, to sleep, to relate to others. I believed that everyone who meets me, hates me, but it turns out that that sentiment is merely a projection of my self-image onto others. Because I believed I was worthless, naturally, everyone else does as well.

But that’s just self-defeating maladaptive thought. I can learn to cope with that (as I am now). What made this impossible to handle was the anxiety. I rarely had a clear coherent thought throughout my childhood, because I was plagued with worry. I constantly ruminated on things, dwelling in the past and predicting catastrophe in the future. I could go days, up to a week at a time without sleeping, and when I did sleep, it was always restless. I’d frequently cause myself to go into panic — headaches would last for weeks, my stomach was always burning, I’d have dizzy spells, and sometimes, I could become completely detached from reality. I would be observing life, rather than living it, through a thick, distorted wall of glass. It was a totally unnerving feeling, and just made me freak out more. Nobody really knew about this stuff because I would never talk about it. Of course, it didn’t help that I didn’t understand it.

Looking back, I have no idea how the hell I got through all of this. My mere existence was a paradox. I had absolutely no energy to do anything, yet I was taking on more and more activity as time marched on, especially in the last three years: full-time student, 32-hour work schedule, keeping a marriage going [which is probably the easy part (I love you, Jen)], and dealing with all of the abject nonsense going through my head. I shouldn’t have been able to get through any of this.

Yet, here I am, getting through it, and with relative success, given the circumstances. I have a 3.99x GPA, and I’ll be going off to become a doctor in the next few years. I’ve regained a lot of lucidity, thanks to medication and therapy (I can’t recommend it enough). And I’ve learned a lot about my own nature, that ultimately, I just want to do what I can to make others’ lives better.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbow unicorn piss, of course. I have my spells, senses of abandonment (which is still a huge issue for me), nihilistic periods of utter self-hatred, even times where I give in to passive suicidality. It gets dark, sometimes utterly frightening in my head. Worst of all, chances are that I will never fully beat this, and it’s just a part of what I am.

But things are getting better, nonetheless. I am learning to cope with it, and my personal achievements in the last few years have given me some of the self-respect that I should have had twenty years ago.

This, and my past, are themes I will frequently visit here. They form the basis of my behaviors and actions, and the force that drives me to do what it is I am trying to accomplish with my life. My illness is the most vicious, difficult thing I have ever had to face, but without it, I would not be what I am today.